When Jesus came into my life

As you all know, I was baptized Catholic and confirmed Catholic.  I must say, being Atheist and Catholic has been hard, though. I found Jesus, the only problem is that he wants me to buy these damn crystals to help cleanse my soul.  Jesus also told me I need to eat a high fiber diet and drink more Ovaltine; the only problem arose when he told me I needed to be re-baptized, only this time in a shower of pigs blood.  I really don't understand why Jesus wants me to do this, but if I am to accept Jesus's love then I must do his will.